Conan - A strong contender or a damp squid?

Well last night I saw the new version of Conan The Barbarian.
Now many of you out there, like me, will remember the original 1982 version starring non other than the Governator himself Arnold Schwarzenegger with fond memories and will have been very weary of this new version from the off set. But lets get one thing straight, this is not a remake, its a new Conan film. A fresh origin story, entirely different from the 82 film. So don't expect to know the story, even though there are similarities.
Warning the following contains spoilers. So read at your own peril.....

The movie starts with a bloody battle in which Conan's mother and father are knee deep in violence and bloodshed. Unfortunately Conan's mother falls foul of a sword and his father (played by the excellent Ron Pearlman) has to perform an emergency C-Section (yeah you read that right) So he gazes into his wife's eyes, lifts his sword and plunges it into her belly. How the hell he didn't slice the babies head off I have no idea (with that luck he should have put the lottery on as well) What follows is a scene directly lifted from The Lion King, baby is held aloft for all to see. Remember theres a battle going on right now but what the hell lets let the enemy use a baby for target practice. Told you this guy was one hell of a lucky dude that day. What follows for the next 30 minutes or so is Conan growing into a teen, proving his worth as a warrior, learning the value of a well made sword and the destruction of his village. Once his father has been killed by the evil warrior, with a major god complex, Khalar Zym. He then runs off into the wilderness and the next time we See him hes transformed into Jason Mamoa.
Now Jason does make a worthy Conan and is certainly more suited for the role than Arnold was (cue the screams of protest from all the devotees) After all Arnold can never be accused of being a good actor, something that Jason is certainly more capable of.
So the adult Conan sets out take revenge on his fathers killer.
A quick word about the, afore mentioned, killer Khalar Zym. He is played, quite capably, by Stephen Lang (Crazy army dude from the terrible but money making Avatar) and makes for an interesting bad guy but, theres always a but, the 82 film had James Earl Jones as a bad guy. Come on people this is the voice of Darth Vader himself, just the voice alone makes for a good bad guy but add in the man as well and you've got some mighty hard size 11s that Stephen had to fill. Something he just doesn't manage to do (even though he had a far more acceptable hair style than the dodgy mop that J. E. Jones was forced to wear) Now at Khalars side is his faithful witch of a daughter, and I mean that literally, Marique (played excellently by Rose McGowan, girl with machine gun leg in Planet Terror) and she is the real menace of the film as is proven when she conjors up some soldiers made of sand in one of the many, and I mean many, action scenes. The amount of action scenes is one of the problems in a lot of Hollywood films these days and this one is no exception. With all the action that is going on there is barely enough time for a story to develop but we still manage to get from A to B. All be it rather sparingly on the detail and emotional content.
As the film moves on our friendly neighbourhood barbarian ends up baby sitting a woman that Khalar needs the blood of in order to power a mask that will allow him to bring back his wife from the dead, conquer the world and get all the bugs out of the latest version of windows. Or something like that. Now this woman was raised and educated in a monastery and even refers to herself as a monk. Problem is that no sooner has she had a change of clothes that she decides she wants to do the nasty with a dirty, sweaty barbarian. So much for a devout religious up bringing.
Of course this leads to Conan having to rescue his damsel in distress from Khalar at the end of the film. During the course of the rescue he calls in the help of the greatest thief / lock pick that there is to get him into Zyms lair. Unfortunately all this means is that this guy has a big bunch of keys? I mean why bring him along at all, just give Conan the keys and tell him to bring them back when hes finished. Surely dragging this poor dude along just makes it more difficult to get in without been seen.
Of course in the evil lair theres a sea monster in the dungeon, they must have run out of rancor's at Skywalker Ranch, then its on to rescue his woman before shes sacrificed and her blood used to empower the mask of all evil (its actually a mask made of kings bones or something) which once empowered clings to his face like a face hugger from alien. During the battle he must also battle Marique and her finger claws (ala Freddy Kruger, she even does the whole dragging of claws along a wall sparks flying) and several soldiers. The cavern where the final battle takes place must have been designed by the same guy who designed Medusa's lair in Clash Of The Titans. Its a totally impractical collection of platforms and sudden death ledges, I mean what was wrong with architects back then in days of legend, were they all high on LSD or something.
The film ends with Conan taking his, not so, fair lady home and then riding off into the sunset.
So after all this mocking and silliness what is my final judgement on the film.
Well it is certainly a better film than the original, and it is entertaining enough but would I recommend going to the cinema to see it.
No not really.
Wait for the Blu-Ray and enjoy it at home. After all the seats a comfier and the food is cheaper.

Till next time..

The voice has spoken.